I'm Not Gonna Lie...

...the wait has been hard this time.  


Like it was last time (even though I thought this time would be a piece of cake because I knew what to expect).  


We are currently waiting 21 days for our Travel Approval from China.  Twenty-one days.  In the grand scheme of things, this is not a long time.  


What makes it feel like a long time is when I get on China Adoption chat rooms and Facebook and find out others, who were in "line" for TA behind us, have received their TA.  Some just after a week.  Wow.  That's really hard to understand.  Especially when you believe in a sovereign God.  Or maybe that's why it shouldn't be hard to understand...


As each day has passed, I've become more and more obsessed with where our TA is and why isn't it here and when are we going to travel and how expensive will our plane tickets be and what should I pack and on and on and on.  


In the meantime, Texas has been drying out.  Almost all of the state is in drought status (again) and I will be honest, this is another thing that stresses me out.  Needing to rely on our pastures to produce hay for my horses, not to mention the threat of raging grass fires has me checking my radar and forecast whenever I see a stray cloud in the sky.  (Seriously, I have 5 different weather apps on my phone y'all).


Well, the last week rain has been in the forecast and all over the state of Texas.  I mean ALL OVER the state of Texas.  In fact, our local weatherman reported that 96% of the state of Texas saw rain over the weekend.  He even posted a graphic to visually show how drenched our state got this last week.  

Looks great, right?  Well, see those grey areas just to the northwest of DFW?  The grey areas that indicate no rain?  The grey areas that indicate the 4% that didn't receive any rain?  That's us folks.  Not joking.  And I struggle with my preoccupation with radars and rain and how much we get because God is in control but I can't help but look at it as a blessing missed...Lord, why don't you bless us with rain too?  

Lord, why don't you bless us with a TA too?


And it's not that I don't have faith to believe He can send the rain.  Oh yes, I fully believe that!  I struggle with having the faith to trust Him when He chooses not to send the rain...or the TA.  

And as I mull these things over in my head and have my pity party, I'm starting to see the rain as a metaphor, perhaps, that the Lord is using to show me something else...to teach me something else about Him and me and my relationship with Him.  

And then tonight, I was in the barn mucking my stalls with my iPod on, listening to music and this song by Christy Nockels shuffles on, "Waiting Here for You":

And I realize I haven't been waiting here for Him...I've let this adoption, this quest, this wish, this hope for TA and having Audrey in our arms eclipse Him.  Just like I've let the rain (or lack thereof) eclipse Him - I'm looking towards the heaven, looking for the clouds and rain, upwards towards His face and yet I have completely missed Him!!  I don't look past the clouds to see Him...I'm focused on what is in front of me now.

Oh how easily this happens!  Even something as "good" as adoption can be turned into an idol, into something that takes our eyes off our Lord.  We can so easily twist and malign something born out of a heart of obedience and love and turn it into something we "worship". 

And so I'm learning to rest and wait on Him with this adoption.  Not always very well, though.  Just when I think I'm in a good place, that I am resting in Him, I slip again and start worrying and wondering and feeling sorry for myself.  So it's a constant battle, sometimes moment by moment to keep my focus on Jesus.

A good friend sent me these scriptures today and they seemed to dovetail with what has been on my mind this evening:

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.  My soul waits for the Lord, more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.  O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.  He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."  Psalm 130:5-8

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."  Isaiah 40:31